Modern / Sexual Health · 2015
Come As You Are
Emily Nagoski
Desire is contextual, not broken. Stress is the most common brake.
Same parts, organised differently
Nagoski's opening move is anatomical and reassuring: everyone has the same components arranged in different configurations, and variation is the norm rather than a defect.
Accelerators and brakes
The dual control model is the book's engine. Arousal depends on how much is pressing the accelerator and how much is pressing the brakes. Most difficulty is too much brake — stress, exhaustion, body shame, resentment — not too little accelerator.
Spontaneous and responsive desire
Roughly a third of women experience desire mainly in response to pleasure rather than in advance of it. This is not low libido. Waiting to feel like it before starting is, for responsive desire, a category error.
Context is the whole thing
The same touch is thrilling or intolerable depending on stress, safety, trust and mood. Her practical instruction is to manage the context deliberately instead of interrogating your body.
Non-concordance and shame
Physical response and subjective desire don't always match, and the book's most healing chapter is about the shame that arises from expecting them to. What you want is defined by what you want, not by what your body did.
What to take from it
Take the brakes off before you add accelerator. Sleep, resentment and stress belong on the list.
Lines to keep
- “Most trouble is too much brake, not too little accelerator.”
- “Responsive desire is not low desire.”
- “Context is not the background. It is the thing.”
Practice
- · List your current brakes honestly. Remove one this week.
- · Try starting without waiting to feel like it, with permission to stop.